


Letters from Heaven

by giantpanda



Series: What if... [17]
Category: The Good Doctor (TV 2017)
Genre: Canon Rewrite, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:00:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29176830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giantpanda/pseuds/giantpanda
Summary: What if Kayla had left Claire something other than recipes in the shoebox?
Relationships: Claire Browne/Neil Melendez
Series: What if... [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1799092
Comments: 138
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I first had this idea over the summer and ended up rewriting my outline a few times. I hope that you enjoy the story! Thanks for reading!!

“Set up in the lounge,” Neil told them as they walked out of the patient’s room, “And get me copies of each of those…”

“Claire.”

“Dash, oh my God,” she said as she moved towards him, “Why are you here?” she asked concerned.

“Uh, you changed your number,” he answered.

“Right, um,” she hesitated, “It’s a long story.” Touching his arm, she turned to the others, “Dash, you remember Dr. Melendez? Dr. Murphy.”

“Yeah, of course. You gave my wife six more good months. We considered renaming our cat after you.”

Claire remembered that conversation and was glad she had convinced them not to. 

“That would have been foolish,” Shaun said. “Cats remember their names.”

“Sorry for your loss,” Neil said. “I wish we could have done more.” Dash nodded, clearly wishing that as well. “We’ll let you two catch up.” He motioned for Shaun to follow him.

She looked to Dash, happy to see him despite everything. They stepped forward and hugged, both grinning. They headed to the cafeteria and sat down at a table away from everyone else.

“I’m so sorry,” she started. “I should have told you that I changed my number.”

“You okay?” he asked. “You said it’s a long story.”

“My mom died, and I wasn’t making the best choices. A new number was necessary,” she said giving him the abbreviated version.

He frowned, “Why didn’t you call me?”

“You had enough to deal with.”

“And you didn’t?” He reached out for her hand, “Just because Kayla’s gone doesn’t mean we stop being family.”

“I know,” she sighed. “If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t really tell anyone.” She thought back to when she told Neil, his hand resting against her shoulder a silent support when she needed it the most.

“That absolutely doesn’t make me feel any better.”

She thought about one of the last times she had with him and Kayla, and how she insisted that Claire and Dash find comfort in each other after she was gone. Claire thought that was one of the reasons she didn’t reach out to Dash, she didn’t want to be put in a situation where she would be letting her friends down. He wasn’t the person she wanted to have a relationship with.

“How have you been?” she asked.

“Good days and bad days,” he answered. He reached into the bag beside him and pulled out a shoebox. He placed it in front of her. “Kayla wanted me to give this to you when I was ready to start dating again.”

“Oh,” she said, looking at the box. 

She placed her hand against the lid but didn’t open it. She didn’t want to open it, she felt like that was accepting that she wanted to go on a date with Dash. The idea of it made her feel uncomfortable and her mind drifted once again to Neil.

Dash laughed, “You can stop looking at it like it’s going to bite you.”

She made a face, “I wasn’t.”

“I think we both know that it would never work with us,” he continued. “Remember the last time we tried to have dinner without Kayla?”

“It was so awkward,” she said. She was starting to feel relieved that maybe he hadn’t come here to ask her out.

“I do love you,” he continued, “But like a sister. And that’s never going to change.” 

“And I love you like a brother. An annoying one.”

She looked at the shoebox wondering what Kayla had wanted her to have.

“Claire, I miss her every day,” he said sadly, twisting his wedding ring around his finger.

“Me too.”

“I’m not ready to let her go yet, but I didn’t want to hold onto his.” He shook his head, “With that extra time she got, she wrote us letters to read.”

“What?” she glanced down at the box. “She never told me she was doing that.”

“Me neither. Just to give you a warning, reading that first one is going to be tough. At least mine was.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you after your mom. I wanted to come today to give you this, and to make sure we stay in each other’s lives. I think that’s really what Kayla wanted.”

“Thank you,” she said, “I’d like that. I have missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” he grinned at her. “So, anything you want to tell me?”

“Like what?”

“Like what’s going on with you and that Dr. Melendez?”

She glanced around to make sure no one heard his question, “Nothing, he’s my boss.”

“Right,” he said, “If you say so.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t think he was very happy to see me.”

“You interrupted us in the middle of a challenging case, that’s all. No matter who interrupted he’d have been annoyed.”

“Right,” he said clearly disagreeing with her. 

“I should get back to work,” she said, “Let me give you my new number.”

“Thanks,” he said, “Don’t be a stranger, and remember what Kayla always told you.”

She rolled her eyes, “I can’t be running away from happiness, if there’s nothing to run from.”

“You won’t know unless you try.” They both stood and hugged each other tightly. “He may be your boss, Claire, but does that really matter? Life’s too short to worry about things like that.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

She watched him as he walked away and wondered what he had seen in Neil’s expression that she had missed. She was sure that he was just annoyed that she wasn’t there to help with their case. Despite what he said, she pushed down the feelings that were growing for Neil away and reminded herself that he was her boss and her friend. Picking up the shoebox she wished that Kayla was here to talk to about Neil. Then she reminded herself that there was nothing to talk about, even if she wished there were. Going around in circles wasn’t going to help anything, and she knew she needed to get back to work.

Sighing, she headed up to the lounge where the others were working. She noticed the concern on Neil’s face and the confusion on Shaun’s.

“He brought you shoes?” Shaun asked.

She smiled, “No, it’s a gift from Kayla.”

“I thought she died.”

“She did.”

“Then how is she giving you a present?”

“Shaun, that’s enough,” Neil interjected.

“It’s okay,” she told him, appreciating that he was looking out for her. “She put it together before she died and told Dash to give it to me.”

“Oh, that makes more sense,” he said. He looked between the two of them, “I have an idea.” 

He stood up, leaving the two of them alone. They were used to him going to test an idea without sharing it with them. She placed the box on the table and sat down. She started playing with the lid, flipping it open and closed, but not paying attention to what was inside.

“You okay?” he asked softly.

“I think so,” she said. “She wrote letters to us. We’re supposed to read them for special occasions, so it’s like she’s still here.”

“That’s…” he trailed off unsure what to say.

“Overwhelming,” she finished for him. “She wrote some for me and some for Dash. She told him that he was supposed to give me this when he was ready to start dating again.” She wasn’t sure what to make of Neil’s silence, so she continued. “He’s not ready to date anyone, but he thought I should have this anyway. I think he was also worried since he couldn’t get in touch with me.” She continued playing with the lid. “I’m just relieved that he didn’t come here to ask me out.”

“Is that why you thought he came?”

“Kayla kept telling us that she wanted us to be together after she was gone.”

“I guess she wanted the two people she cared about to find comfort with each other.”

She made a face, “That sounds like a bad Hallmark movie. That never would’ve worked out.”

“Why not? You seemed happy to see him.”

“For a few reasons,” she said, looking at him, unable to tell what he was thinking. “I was the maid of honor at their wedding, it would always be weird, and the fact that he told me he loved me like a sister.”

She left out the fact that he was the one she wanted to ask her out.

“Those are pretty good reasons,” he agreed.

“You know, even with that, I would have probably said yes, just to make Kayla happy,” she admitted.

“But what would make you happy?” He looked at her and sighed. “Claire, you deserve to be happy.”

“Thank you,” she said, smiling, briefly wondering if he could be the one to make her happy. She pushed those thoughts away. She glanced down at the box wondering what she should do with it as they worked. She didn’t want to take the chance that anyone else would try to look inside it and really didn’t want to miss more of the case by taking it to her locker.

“You can leave that in my office,” Neil offered sensing her concern.

She stood and picked up the box, “Thanks,” she said. She walked into his office and placed the box behind his desk. She felt his eyes on her as she walked in. Sometimes she wondered if maybe his feelings were growing as well, but she wasn’t sure if there was anything, she could do about it since he was still her boss.

She joined him back in the lounge and he filled her in on what she had missed while she was with Dash. She found her eyes being drawn to Neil more and more, and having to reminder herself more frequently that he was her boss and friend. They continued working together on the case, and eventually found a solution. After a long day, she was looking forward to heading home. She went up to his office to pick up the shoebox.

“Hey,” she said, knocking lightly before coming in. “I just wanted to pick up the letters.” 

He picked the box up for her and placed it on his desk. “Are you going to be okay opening these?”

“I think so,” she answered honestly. “I plan on opening a bottle of wine as I do.” She hesitated a second before asking, “Would you like to join me? I can’t promise a fun evening, and there will most likely be tears, but there will also be wine.”

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll pick up dinner. You’ll need something to soak up all that wine.”

“I’ll see you soon then,” she said, suddenly nervous. She picked up the shoebox and headed home.

Once she got home, she showered, got dressed in leggings and a sweatshirt, and tried to quickly straighten up a little before he got there. She told herself it didn’t matter, but she wanted to make a good impression. She also continued to repeat to herself that he was just a friend, even though she knew she was lying to herself. She thought about what Dash said and wondered if she was using the fact that he was her boss to protect herself from getting hurt.

She glanced at the shoebox sitting on the coffee table. Even though she was worried that she might have overstepped the boundaries of their friendship, she was grateful that he was coming over. If Dash, was right and reading the first letter would be rough, she didn’t want to do it alone. And there was no one else she trusted to be by her side more than Neil. She thought again about her feelings for him and knew that they went beyond just friendship.

Lost in her thoughts, she startled when he knocked on the door. Taking a deep breath and focusing on the fact that he was there as a friend, she opened the door. She smiled as he walked in. He had stopped at home and changed as well. She was used to seeing him in his running apparel, but there was something about seeing him looking relaxed and comfortable. Although, if she was honest, he always looked good.

She took the bag of food from him, as he slipped his shoes off next to hers by the door. He followed her into the kitchen. She placed everything on the counter.

“Would you like some wine or would you rather have a beer?”

“Wine’s fine,” he said, grinning. “Unless you want to keep the bottle to yourself.”

She shrugged, “I can always open another.”

He laughed as he started taking the containers out of the bags. She handed him his glass as she looked over at what he brought.

“You never asked me what I wanted,” she said realizing that he just said he’d bring food.

“I’ve spent enough time with you,” he said, “I know your favorites.”

“I hope you’re right,” she grinned, ready to give him a hard time if he was wrong.

“Go sit down, I’ll bring it to you.”

“Aren’t I supposed to be waiting on you since you’re a guest?”

“Just go sit down,” he said, nudging her towards the table before handing her his glass to take with her.

She sat down and watched him as he moved around her kitchen. He seemed comfortable in her space. She allowed herself for a moment to give into what she had been thinking more about lately, and about having him there all the time. All day she had been working on pushing those thoughts away, but now with him there with her, it was harder to do. It was easier to ignore her feelings when they were busy at work.

He placed a plate in front of her, and she smiled at him. She shouldn’t have questioned him. He knew that Italian food was her comfort food and had brought her lasagna and garlic bread.

“Going to apologize for doubting me?” he asked, looking smug, as he sat down across from her with his plate of spaghetti.

She held up her wine glass to him, “Thank you for dinner.”

He clinked his glass against hers, “You’re welcome, but that’s not an apology.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, as he started eating. “I’ll never doubt you again.”

“Can I get that in writing?” he asked his eyes betraying his amusement. “Might come in handy at work.”

“Let me rephrase it, I’ll never doubt your food buying skills again.” She took a bite of lasagna, “This is delicious.”

“One day you’re going to have to let me cook for you.”

“Will it be better than this?”

“You’ll have to try it to find out.”

“I won’t say no to you feeding me.”

“And what will you cook for me?” he asked.

“Nothing,” she answered. “Only take out from me.”

“Really?”

“It’s for your own good. I’d rather not have to explain to the others that I gave you food poisoning.”

“It can’t be that bad.”

“Trust me.”

“I always do.”

They held each other’s gaze for a moment before changing the topic to their day at work. They talked while they finished eating their dinner. Once done, she threw out their containers, Neil refilled their wine, and they headed into the living room to sit on the sofa.

“Have you opened it yet?”

“No,” she said, taking a large sip of wine. She put her glass down and pulled the box closer to her. Taking a deep breath, she flipped the lid open. She hadn’t noticed earlier when she was playing with the lid, but Kayla had placed pictures of the two of them on top. She picked up the first picture. “Ugh,” she said, “I hate her.”

Neil looked startled, “What?”

“She found the worst picture possible for me to see first.” She smiled sadly at the picture. “This was the first picture we took together.”

He held out his hand, “Let me see.”

“No,” she said, holding the picture to her chest. “You don’t get to see this one.”

“Why not?”

“I look horrible.”

“I doubt that,” he said softly.

She bit her lip, “Fine, but don’t laugh.” Reluctantly she handed him the picture.

“Wow,” he said, “You look so young.”

She reached out and smacked his arm, “Are you saying now I look old?”

“Of course not,” he answered. “You’re just a kid here.”

“We were only eighteen. It was after some party she forced me to go to. ” He handed the picture back to her. She had a stack of more in her hand. “Before we go any further,” she started, “I want you to know that you can leave any time if this is boring for you.”

“I’m honored you want to share this with me, Claire. I’m here for whatever you need,” he said, sincerely.

“Thanks, but I am going to look at these pictures first before I share them with you.”

“Making sure there’s nothing too embarrassing?” he teased.

“Of course. Don’t want to give you any blackmail material.”

“I wouldn’t do that to you.”

She felt his eyes on her as she started flipping through the pictures, getting lost in the memories of her friendship with Kayla. Seeing that there wasn’t anything too embarrassing, she handed the pictures to him to look at. She picked up the stack of envelopes and put the one to the side that said to read it first. She quickly glanced at some of the others noticing that there were ones to read on birthdays, bad days, when she finished her residency, when she got married, and when she had kids.

“I can’t believe she did all this,” she said softly. Overwhelmed by them, she put the other envelopes back in the box and picked up the one she was to read first.

“What can I do?” he asked, as he handed her the wine glass.

“This is good,” she said, smiling as she took another large sip, before putting her glass back on the table. She took comfort in his presence beside her. “Thank you.”

He went back to looking at the pictures as she opened the first envelope. Her hands shook as she pulled out the letter. She took a deep breath and started reading.

_Dear Claire,_

_I wish that I could be there with you, but we both know that I am living on borrowed time. I am so glad that I have more time to spend with you and with Dash. I know that I’ve told you both to be together after I’m gone, but if I’m honest I know that’s just wishful thinking. I want to believe that you two will find comfort in each other, but I know the two of you wouldn’t be happy together. I hope you continue your friendship and know that you can always rely on him. Even though it won’t be with Dash, I hope that you will allow yourself the chance to find the love and happiness that I have with him. You are my sister and I want you to be happy. You deserve all the happiness in the world. I know that you’ve been through so much, more than anyone ever deserves, but I want you to take a chance. Maybe with that sexy doctor who made it possible to write all these letters to you._

She laughed, drawing Neil’s attention to her.

“What?” he asked.

“She mentioned you.”

“Really?”

“She said the sexy doctor who made it possible for her to write these letters.” 

“Park did work on her too,” he said with a smirk.

Realizing that she had admitted that she thought he was attractive, she decided to change the subject. “You were so mad at me then.”

“More mad about how you went about it.”

“It was the right thing to do. And I’d do it again.”

“I have no doubt that you would,” he agreed, grinning. “The difference is now, I might actually listen to your idea.”

“Good to know,” she said. She reached for her glass to take another slip. “Even though you were mad at me, you didn’t hesitate to help Kayla. I really appreciated that.”

“I’m just glad you still knew you could come to me to ask for help.”

“Like I told Kayla, you’re the best.”

“Always with the flattery,” he said smiling. “I’ll never get tired of that.”

Shaking her head, she went back to reading and he returned to looking through the pictures.

_Please promise that you’ll stop running away from happiness. I know it’s scary and I’m sorry I won’t be there to help you. You are the best person I know, and I want the world for you. I’m sure you’re overwhelmed when Dash brought you this box, but I was thinking one night on everything I was going to miss out on, and I wanted to find a way to still be by your side. You have always been there for me, Claire. Through college, and after, at my wedding, when I got sick. I could always count on you to hold my hand and be there next to me, even as you worked so hard to become a surgeon. It hurts me to know I won’t be able to do that for you. So please promise me that you’ll take a risk and let yourself be happy. Find someone who can be there for you when I can’t. I love you, Claire. Thank you for always being the best friend and sister I could imagine._

She’s hadn’t realized that she had started crying, until she felt Neil’s hand on her arm and saw the look of concern on his face. Wiping at her eyes, she gave him a watery smile.

“Dash told me this was going to be hard,” she said, her voice breaking. “It almost feels like she’s sitting right beside me. I don’t want to let her down.”

“How would you?” he asked.

“She wants me to take a chance on happiness.” She looked at him, searching his eyes for a clue on what to do. “I don’t know if I can.”

“What would make you happy?”

Instead of answering him, she leaned forward and kissed him, relieved when he kissed her back. After a few second, he pulled away.

Her eyes widened thinking she ruined their friendship, “I’m so sorry.”

He shook his head, “Don’t apologize,” he brought his hands up against her face, drawing her gaze to his. She was surprised to find his eyes filled with affection. He gently wiped away the tears on her face. “It’s just when I kiss you, I don’t want there to be any tears.”

She brought her hands up to rest on his. “You’ve thought about this before?”

“More times that I should have,” he answered. “Have you?”

“Yes,” she admitted softly.

“How about we watch a movie and continue this later?”

“I’d like that.”

She placed the letter and pictures back in the box, as Neil found a movie for them to watch. She was glad that kissing him hadn’t ruined everything between them and was surprised he had thought about it as she had. She didn’t mind putting off a conversation with him until later. She already felt drained from reading the letter and needed a break before having discussing their future together.

“Come here,” he said, motioning for her to come sit beside him.

She slid closer to him on the sofa as he slipped his arm around her. She rested her head against his chest.

“Is this okay?” she asked.

“It’s perfect.”

She allowed herself to rest against him and wondered if maybe she would be able to do what Kayla asked and find happiness with Neil.


	2. Chapter 2

As Claire opened her eyes, she was confused for a moment before realizing that she had fallen asleep on the sofa. There wasn’t a lot of room and she tried to stretch as she woke up.

“Please stop moving,” Neil mumbled as she realized that she was still in his arms.

“Sorry,” she said, settling back against him. She didn’t even remember falling asleep watching the movie and wondered how they had ended up laying down together.

He started rubbing his hand up and down her back, “Good morning.”

“Good morning. I’m sorry I feel asleep on you.”

“I don’t mind. How are you feeling?”’

She thought a moment before answer, “I’m good. Are you okay?”

He brushed a gentle kiss against the top of her head, “I’m fine.”

She wrapped her arm around his waist and snuggled closer to him. “You’re very comfortable.”

She felt the laughter rumble in his chest as his arms tightened around her. She focused on the way it felt to be in his arms, allowing herself to give into the thoughts that she had been having for weeks. She might have been the one who insisted that their friendship was platonic, but her feelings for him had been growing for a while.

“What are we going to do?” she asked softly.

“I think we have two choices,” he said, his hand continuing to caress her back. “We can try a relationship together or we go back to being friends.”

She knew what she wanted, but she wasn’t sure if it was the right answer. Reluctantly, she sat up, immediately missing the comfort of being in his arms. He sat up as well, and she couldn’t believe that he looked so impeccable after a night on her couch.

“I’ve been trying to think of you as a friend,” she admitted, “But I’ve failed.”

“Me too,” he agreed. “I care about you, more than I should since I’m your boss.”

“We haven’t just been friends for a while, have we?”

“No,” he answered. He reached for her hand. “If we decide that we want to explore this, then we need to make sure it’s what we both want, because it’s going to be complicated at work.”

“I know,” she said, sighing. “I’m worried,” she looked down at their hand intertwined hands. “What if we try and it doesn’t work?” she asked, not wanting to lose her best friend.

“What if it does?”

Her gaze fell upon Kayla’s letter, and she thought about her words of encouragement not to run away from happiness. She thought of the possibility of a future with Neil by her side.

“I think being with you would make me happy.”

“You think or you know?” he asked.

“I know it will make me happy,” she said smiling. “Being with you usually does.”

“What do you mean usually?” he asked, looking offended.

She shrugged, fighting back a smile, “You do argue with me a lot at work.”

“And that’s my fault?”

“Maybe.”

He shook his head, “Being with you makes me happy too, even when you’re fighting with me at work.”

She felt a nervous anticipation as she thought what it could mean to be in a relationship with him. Her stomach rumbled before they could continue their discussion.

Laughing, he stood and tugged on her hand to bring her with him, “Let’s get something to eat and figure this out over breakfast.”

“I can make you a gourmet bowl of cereal,” she said as they walked into the kitchen.

He opened her fridge and found the eggs, “Or you can let me make you some real food.”

“If you insist.”

She watched as he made them both some scrambled eggs and toast while she made the coffee. She enjoyed having him in her space, and how easy it was to fix breakfast together, even easier because he was doing all the work. He plated the food and took it to the table. As she brought him a cup of coffee, she couldn’t resist and placed a kiss on his head. He looked up at her and reached for her hand, tugging her towards him. He captured her lips with his as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

Breaking apart, he said, “We should eat before it gets cold.”

She kissed him again, “I have a microwave.”

He laughed, as her stomach growled again. “I think you need to eat.”

With one last kiss, she moved to sit down. She felt like she couldn’t stop smiling as she ate.

He reached for his coffee, “You know after the favoritism complaint, Audrey told me I had a problem with you.” He took a drink. “I don’t favor you over the others, and I don’t agree with that complaint.”

“Me neither,” she agreed, taking a big bite of eggs. “You fuss with me just as much as everyone else.”

“That’s true, although you are more likely to argue with me.”

“I wouldn’t say that. We just sometimes see the cases differently.”

“Working with you has made me a better doctor,” he said, taking another drink. “You’re incredibly talented, Claire, which is why I tried to ignore this between us.”

“I don’t want us to ignore it anymore,” she admitted. 

“Neither do I,” he agreed. “I know it’s not going to be easy, but I think we’d regret it if we don’t try.”

She nodded, “Me too, I think this will be something good.”

They smiled at each other, before finishing their breakfast. He cursed softly when he realized the time. He needed to go home to change before the start of their shift. Neither one of them had expected they would end up having a sleepover.

He started to clean up, and she placed her hand against his arm to stop it. “I’ll take care of it. Don’t want you to be late for work.”

He placed his hand against hers, “Or we could both just call out and stay here.”

“Have you ever taken time off?”

“Have you?”

“Good point,” she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly.

“You okay?” he asked, as he hugged her back.

“Can’t do this when we get to work,” she answered, taking comfort in his arms.

“You’re right,” he pulled back a little so he could kiss her. “Can’t do this either.”

She knew that they still needed to talk about the logistics of everything and how this was going to work between them, but at the moment she was just going to enjoy being with him.

Reluctantly, he pulled away, “I’ll see you at work.”

“See you there,” she said, walking him out. He kissed her one more time before he left.

She sank down on the sofa. She hadn’t expected this when she invited him over as she read Kayla’s letter, but she was grateful it had. She picked up one of the pictures of her and Kayla from college.

“I wish you were here so I could talk to you about him,” she said sadly.

After a few minutes, she got up and cleaned up their mess from breakfast and got ready to head to the hospital. Even though he had just left, she couldn’t wait to see him again.

Once she got to work, she was assigned to work with Dr. Andrews. It was probably for the best that she wasn’t the one working beside Neil, but she had been looking forward to seeing him. They both stayed busy. Eventually she found her way to the lounge to review the test results for her patient. She looked up when she saw Neil go into his office. She shook her head at the ridiculousness of the butterflies she felt seeing him for the first time since this morning. She found herself sneaking looks at him as he sat down at his desk and made some phone calls A few times she caught his eye, which earned her a smile. Hanging up, he came into the lounge and sat across from her at the table.

He reached for the scans she was studying, “Anything I can help you with?”

“I don’t think so. Just getting all the information together to present to Dr. Andrews,” she said, gesturing to the notepad she was taking notes on. “How’s your day going?”

“It’s fine,” he said, “Nothing too challenging.”

“That’s a nice chance of pace from yesterday.”

“I don’t mind having a few routine cases.”

She thought about how things had changed between them since yesterday, and how really, they hadn’t changed at all. They had just decided to stop hiding their feelings from each other. Sitting with him now, she could see the affection in his eyes that she missed before. She was confident that they had made the right decision to try for something more between them.

“What?” he asked, pulling her from her thoughts.

“Nothing.”

“Really?”

“Just thinking.”

“About your patient?”

“No,” she said, leaning forward a little. “Just about this guy I saw last night who offered to make me dinner.”

“Sounds like a great guy,” he said, his amusement at her description clear. “Are you planning on taking him up on the offer?”

“I was thinking about it. I mean, I do need to eat,” she grinned at his laughter. “And he seems very confident that I’m going to enjoy it. I just need to find out what his plans are for tonight.”

“Seeing him again already?”

She shrugged. “I like spending time with him.”

“If he’s smart, then he really enjoys spending time with you too, and he just so happens to be free.”

“And how would you know that?” she teased, fighting to keep the smile of her face.

“What would you like?” he asked. “So, I can pass it along to this guy of yours.”

“Tell him to surprise me,” she said, “He said last night, he knows what I like.”

“Okay,” he said. “Come over after shift.”

“Can I bring anything?”

“Just you.” He got up and came to stand beside her. He placed the scans in front of her, so to anyone looking into the lounge it would seem like they were brainstorming together as he leaned over next to her. “I really want to kiss you.”

“You can tonight.”

He stood up as he was paged. “Can’t wait.”

“Neither can I,” she said as he left.

The rest of the day seemed to drag. She didn’t see him much after that and as the day slowly went on, she had a mixture of excitement and nervousness. She realized that this was going to be their first official date, and she had pretty much invited herself over to his house for dinner. It seemed incredibly intimate for a first date.

After her shift was over, she went home to shower and change. Even though she was just going to his house she wanted to look nice for him.

The nervousness changed more to anticipation as she drove to his house singing along to the radio. She parked and made her way up to his door. She knocked, waiting for him. He opened the door with a smile and stepped out of the way to let her in. She reached up to kiss him as his arms came around her waist.

“I’ve wanted to do that all day,” she said.

“Me too.”

She slipped her shoes off before following him into the kitchen. She was impressed to see that there was already a dish on the stove. He had obviously been in the process of cleaning up when she got there.

“This smells delicious,” she said. “What did you make?”

“Paella,” he answered. “Hope you like it.”

“If it tastes as good as it smells, I will.” She looked around. “Can I do anything?”

“No, we just need to wait for it to finish cooking.”

He opened a bottle of wine and poured them both a glass. She took hers and took a sip. Last night, they had done the same thing, dinner and drinking wine, and for some reason she was feeling anxious.

She placed her drink on the counter and turned to him, “Are you nervous too or is it just me?”

He sighed, “It’s not just you.”

Claire moved towards him, “How many times have we had dinner together before?”

He reached for her his hands going to her waist. “More times than appropriate.”

“Then why does this feel so different?”

He tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, “Because we’re not pretending anymore.”

She felt better knowing that he was nervous too. She didn’t want to mess things up with him.

“This has been growing for a while,” he said, gently kissing her.

She thought of all the time they spent together, starting at first with him being supportive that she lost her mother, to the runs the took together, to drinks, dinner, and a disastrous bowling date. She was impressed that they hadn’t given into this sooner.

“It has and I’m looking forward to seeing it keep growing.”

“Me too.”

“Do we have to tell anyone at work yet?” she asked, stepping away from him for a moment to take a drink of her wine.

He sighed. “It’s complicated. If we don’t and someone finds out, then it would be bad for both us, if we do, then we’re going to have to deal with everyone in our business.”

“What do you think we should do?”

“Honestly?”

She nodded.

“While I don’t want to hide my feelings for you from everyone,” he said smiling at her, “I want this just for us for now.”

“I like that idea,” she said relieved. “But do you think you’ll be able to keep your hands to yourself?”

“It will be hard,” he said, wrapping his arms around her waist. “But I can do it.”

“Only at work though,” she said snaking her arms around his neck. “Otherwise, you can touch me whenever you want.”

He captured her lips with his. “Good to know.”

“I don’t want to keep us a secret forever,” she said. “Eventually we will have to tell everyone.”

“And we will, when we’re ready.” He let her go and went over to the stove to check on dinner. She came up next to him to and looked at the dish.

“That looks so good.”

He took a spoonful and held it to her mouth for her to taste. She blew on it before taking a bite. While it was delicious, she couldn’t resist teasing him.

“You made a mistake,” she said.

“What?” he asked looking insulted.

“You’ve just set the standard really high for cooking me dinner,” she said grinning. “What if next time it doesn’t taste as good?”

“Everything I make is good,” he said, confident in his abilities.

“I guess you’ll just have to keep feeding me so I can see if that’s true.”

“I look forward to it,” he said softly, reaching up to caress her face.

She watched him as he dished out the paella and placed it on the table. She wasn’t sure what she had been nervous about. He was still Neil. She knew it was the right thing to take this risk with him. She couldn’t wait to explore this new side of their relationship.


	3. Chapter 3

Over the next month they learned how to balance their personal and professional relationships. Nothing changed with them at the hospital and they continued to work well together. When they weren’t at the hospital, they spent their time together either at her place or his. He had started trying to teach her how to cook and seemed amused that as gifted as she was as a surgeon she struggled with cooking. She felt she was getting better, but he was still the one who handled most of their meals.

As she told her therapist the shift to being together was easier than she expected. They already had such a strong friendship, that it was easy to transition that affection into their new relationship. They still had a few bumps as they learned each other’s quirks, but they both enjoyed learning more about the other. Her favorite evenings were the ones she spent curled up with Neil on the sofa either watching tv or reading, followed by moving to the bedroom.

She was the one who brought up going to HR and sharing with the others that they were together. It had happened one day at work when he had lost a patient and she hadn’t been able to comfort him when he was obviously hurting.

_Seeing him in pain had gotten to be too much for her and she eventually found an empty on call room that was rarely used. She texted him to meet her there. She hoped that no one would need her before he got there. A few minutes later, he knocked and then came in._

_“What’s wrong?” he asked, his searching her face to see if she was okay. They maintained strict rules about not doing anything that would draw attention to their relationship and absolutely no PDA. They never had any secret meetings and she knew he was concerned that she had been the one to break those rules. Despite his own heartbreak, his first thought was always about her._

_Without saying anything she went up to him and wrapped her arms around him hugging him tight. He sighed and sunk into her embrace his arms coming around her waist, his head resting against hers. They stood like that for a few minutes. She hoped to offer him some comfort and held him until he pulled away._

_“Thank you,” he said softly._

_She tugged on his hand and led him to sit down on the cot. She said beside him, curling up against him so she could wrap her arms around him to keep holding him. She felt like he was always the one who supported her, and she wanted him to know that she was there for him as well._

_“Do you have patients you need to see?”_

_“Someone will page me if they need me,” she answered. “I’m more concerned about you. What do you need?”_

_He brushed his lips against her hair. “Just you.”_

_“Do you want to talk about it or…”_

_He cut her off as he moved to lay down bringing her with him. She rested her head against his chest and wrapped her arm around him, as he held her close._

_“All I need right now is this,” he said, softly._

_“Okay.”_

_They laid there together quietly. She wished she could do more to help him, but she knew he would tell her if he needed something else from her._

_“The hardest part,” he said breaking the silence, “Is telling the families. They put their trust in us, and when we can’t do what we said we would, its heartbreaking.”_

_“You did everything you could.”_

_“I know,” he said his voice breaking, “But that doesn’t bring her back to her family.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“Sometimes I wonder if it will ever get easier.”_

_“I don’t think it will,” she said, propping her chin on his chest so she could look at him. “If it was easy that means you don’t care anymore.”_

_“That’s a good point.” She rested her head back against his chest as he gently caressed her arm. “Thank you. I needed this. I needed you. Thought I’d have to wait until we got home.”_

_She sighed. “I couldn’t wait until then.”_

_“I’m glad.”_

_She brought her hand up and started tracing over the parts of his tattoo that poked out of the neckline of his scrubs._

_“I was thinking of something.”_

_“What?”_

_“I think it might be time for us to make a plan about going to HR.”_

_“Really?”_

_“I’ve had to wait almost two hours to be able to hug you.”_

_“I’m not sure that’s going to be able to change by declaring our relationship. We’re still going to have to keep our hands to ourselves.”_

_“I know that,” she sighed, “I know that even once we tell everyone we will have to continue to be professional, but I feel like if they knew I could have at least giving you a hug earlier. And,” she cut herself off, “Never mind.”_

_“No,” he said, “Tell me what you’re thinking.”_

_“I really like this just being ours, but I don’t want to hide it anymore. That makes it seem like this is wrong, and it’s not.”_

_“No,” he agreed. “It’s not wrong. I feel like we’ve created this bubble where it’s just been us. If you’re ready to share with the others, then so am I.”_

_“We don’t have to do it today,” she said, “But soon. Should we…”_

_She was interrupted by her phone. Reluctantly, she pulled away from Neil to check her page._

_“I’m sorry,” she said, standing up, “I have to go.”_

_He reached for her hand and pulled her back to him. “Thank you for this. It helped.”_

_“You’re welcome.”_

_“We’ll make our plan tonight,” he said._

_“Okay,” she kissed him before heading to meet Dr. Andrews about their patient._

They made their plan that night and went to HR three days later. After that invasive interview, she had been pulled from working with him, which she could tell frustrated him. He spoke with Dr. Lim, Dr. Andrews and Dr. Glassman, and she told Shaun, Morgan and Alex. She thought she had been prepared for their reactions, but it still hurt to hear people she had worked with for years question her and her abilities. She felt that she had more than proven herself over the years. Morgan felt that she had been justified in the favoritism complaint and Alex worried that she would now be viewed differently by everyone. Shaun was the only one who seemed to be okay with it. 

It was a rough day overall as it spread that her and Neil were now a couple. She overheard some of the other residents and doctors gossiping about them, which hurt. Some of them had been working with Neil for years and to hear what they were saying about him made her furious. The nurses, however, were very supportive and seemed to be happy for her. They even told her to tell them if he didn’t treat her properly, she had promised them all that wasn’t a concern.

As she walked to the locker room at the end of her shift, she was stopped by Dr. Lim.

“Claire,” she called. “Can I talk to you a minute?”

“Of course.”

She worried about what she would say to her. There was an added layer of awkwardness with Dr. Lim since her and Neil used to date.

“Are you sure this is the right thing to do?”

“I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

“I told you before, we have to work twice as hard.”

“I know that.”

“Do you?” she asked, “Because you’ve just thrown into question every achievement you’ve had the last three years.”

She felt her eyes burn with tears, but she refused to let Dr. Lim see that she had hurt her. 

“I’d like to think that those I’ve worked with know me better than that.”

“That doesn’t matter, you know that. It’s all about appearances. I hope you know what you’re doing and that it’s worth it.”

“It is.”

“I hope you’re right.”

Dr. Lim turned and left her standing there. She took a few shaky breaths trying to get herself together. She wanted to find Neil, but she knew she couldn’t. Instead, she continued to the locker room and got her things. She texted Neil that she was going home and that he could join her.

She made it to her car before the tears started. She absolutely didn’t regret her relationship with Neil, and while she had expected some gossip and harsh comments, she hadn’t expected them from the people she had worked closely with over the last three years.

Once she got home, she dropped her things by the door, and reached for the box of letters that Kayla left her. She remembered that she had left one to read on a bad day, and she felt this counted for that. She opened it and pulled out the letter but heard Neil at the door before she could read it.

Dropping the letter on the table, she went to meet him at the door. He took one look at her and pulled her to him, holding her tightly.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his hand rubbing her back. 

“I am now.”

His arms tightened around her. “Want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” she said, stepping out of his embrace so they could go sit on the sofa. “I know we talked about how people would react, I guess I just didn’t expect certain people to have that reaction.”

“Who said something to you?”

“It doesn’t matter. They’ll get over it soon enough.” She moved to rest her head against his shoulder, his arm coming around to hold her to him. “I just have to prove to them that I didn’t use you to get ahead.”

“It drives me crazy that anyone who knows you would ever think that.” He sighed, “And I can’t say anything to them because they will take that as proof that they’re right.”

“Why did we tell them again?”

He laughed softly, “I believe that was your idea.”

“You should’ve told me it was a stupid idea.”

“No, you were right. We couldn’t keep hiding this and the longer we waited it would’ve been worse.” He kissed her forehead. “And I like that I don’t have to pretend anymore.”

“It sucks that I can’t even work with you.”

“I know,” he agreed. “They didn’t have a problem with us working together yesterday and it’s not like I didn’t love you then.” He sighed, running his hand over his eyes, “That’s not at all how I planned on telling you that.”

She sat up to look at him fighting a smile, “And how did you plan to?”

“You know,” he said, smiling softly, “Candlelight dinner, flowers, all those romantic things you hate.”

She laughed, “You know I would’ve broken up with you if you did all that.”

He reached out to caress her face, “No you wouldn’t.”

“Maybe you’re right,” she said, “But I would think about it.” She kissed him, “Neil, I love you too. That doesn’t change because today was rough.”

He noticed the letter on the table, “What could Kayla have possibly written you to fit today?”

“It was just one to open after a bad day.”

“What did it say?”

“You got here before I read it,” she said, reaching over to get it. Since it was short, she read it to him, “Forget whatever is causing your bad day, get dressed up, go out to the bar, and do a couple shots.”

“Is that something you want to do?” he asked.

“No,” she said, “I’d rather be here with you.”

“We can go together. We don’t have to worry anymore about anyone seeing us out.”

She turned towards him, “Or we can stay in and celebrate that we survived the day.”

“I like that plan,” he said, grinning as she moved to straddle him, his hands coming to rest against her hips.

“I love you,” she said, capturing his lips with hers.

“I love you too.”

She knew it would be an uphill battle to regain some of the trust at the hospital, but she knew she could do it. And all that mattered was that she had him and his love, they would be able to handle anything.


	4. Chapter 4

Claire thought if wasn’t for Neil she would start looking to transfer to another hospital. It had only been a few days since the rest of the hospital had found out about their relationship, and the gossip and rumors continued. Even people she barely knew where commenting on how she used Neil to get ahead. She tried not to take it personally, but it was difficult. She had spent a large part of her residency with Neil by her side, and that caused others to question just how much support he had given her, especially since she had been chosen to be the first resident to lead a surgery and he had fought for her to keep it.

Today she was scheduled to be working with Dr. Lim, which was still awkward. She did her best to do whatever she wanted her to do, even thought she felt the scut work wasn’t necessary. She knew that if she continued to deal with it without complaint that things would eventually get better.

It was actually harder on Neil because he felt that she was being punished and that the others were wasting her talents. They had a few discussions about what they could do, but in the end, she had told him that there was really nothing that could be done. If she complained or if he spoke out in support of her, the others would feel vindicated and that she needed him. It sucked but she just needed to deal with everything and hope it would soon get better.

With everything going on, she was surprised to get a page to go to Neil’s office, and headed there are she finished dropping off the bloodwork for her patient. As she got to his door, she saw that Dr. Lim was in there with him, and he looked furious. She tried to figure out what they could be talking about. Sighing, she knocked on the door and waited for him to wave her in.

She glanced between the two of them. Dr. Lim looked more annoyed than angry, so she couldn’t get a good read on the situation.

He picked a file off his desk and came towards her. “I have a scared six-year-old who needs heart surgery,” he said, handing her the file, “I was hoping you could talk to her.”

She looked at Dr. Lim waiting to see what she wanted her to do. It felt like some kind of test and she had no idea what the right answer was. 

“It should only take about twenty minutes,” Dr. Lim said. “The bloodwork for our patient should be ready by then.”

“Okay,” she said as she started to read through the file.

“Since we only have twenty minutes,” Neil said, “You can look through that as we walk.” His annoyance with the situation was clear. He turned to Dr. Lim. “You do trust that we can get to Melissa’s room, right? You’re not going to try to chaperone us?”

Claire glanced between them again and wondered what had been said before she got there. She stayed silent, even though she wanted to reach for him and tell him it was okay. 

Ignoring him, Dr. Lim looked at her and said, “I’ll see you in twenty minutes.”

“I’ll be there,” she said. She followed Neil to the elevators as she flipped through the file. “That’s not going to help anything,” she said, as he stabbed at the elevator button. “You’re just going to make it worse.”

He sighed as they stepped onto the elevator. “A week ago, no one would have cared if I asked you to come speak to my patient. She knows you’re the best one out of all of us to calm a scared kid.”

“Everybody sees things differently now.”

“I mean, what does she think we’re going to do? I can keep my hands off you while we’re at work.”

She fought a grin at his words, “Maybe she’s remembering that time you made out with her in front of everyone in the ER.”

Sheepishly, he said, “Not my best idea, and something I wouldn’t do again.” 

They stepped off the elevator to head to his patient’s room.

“I know you learned your lesson.”

“And you’d hate it.”

“That too.”

“Audrey knows better,” he continued. “She knows how talented you are. They all do.”

“It’s okay,” she said.

“It’s really not. You don’t deserve it.”

“They’ll get over it soon enough,” she said, hoping that was true. “It’s worth it to be able to be with you.”

He sighed. “I love being with you too. Just wish the others treated you better.”

“I know you do,” she said as they came to the door. “But you can’t be fighting everyone who says something. That’s not going to help anything either.”

“I’ll try to do better,” he agreed. “It’s just when someone questions what you can do, I can’t help but want to tell them how wrong they are.”

“Thank you,” she said. Having his support made it all easier.

She followed him into the room. Melissa was lying in bed holding a stuffed animal tightly in her arms. Her parents sat beside her. The anxiety in the room was palpable and she hoped Neil was right and she would be able to help.

“Melissa,” he said, stepping next to the bed. “This is my friend, Dr. Browne. I was hoping you could talk with her for a little while.”

“Are you really a doctor?” Melissa asked, her eyes wide.

“Yes,” Claire answered moving to stand beside Neil.

“But you look like a princess.”

She wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “Dr. Melendez told me about your surgery. He said you’re nervous.” She moved to sit on the edge of the bed. “Can I help you with that?”

Melissa hugged her bear tightly, “I’m not scared, but Teddy is.”

“Oh,” she said nodding. “Well, maybe I can help to make him feel less scared. Can you tell me what he’s afraid of?”

“He wants to know if it will hurt?”

“During the surgery, you’ll be asleep, so you won’t feel anything,” she said. “And afterwards, you will get some medicine to help if it does hurt.”

She spent the next few minutes answering Melissa’s questions as best she could. She noticed as they talked that her grip on her Teddy bear wasn’t quite as tight. Once she didn’t have anymore questions and seemed to be less scared, Claire told her goodbye and that she would visit her later. She left to head to see if the bloodwork was done so she wouldn’t have to deal with Dr. Lim being upset with her. She would catch up with Neil later to see how the surgery went.

The rest of her shift went by quickly. Dr. Lim didn’t mention Claire helping Neil with his patient, and she didn’t get to see him either. She did stop by Melissa’s room as she woke up from her surgery. Her parents thanked her for helping her through her fears. Deciding on getting some fresh air before heading to the locker room to head home, she stepped out onto the balcony. She leaned against the railing taking a few deep breathes. She turned when the door opened smiling as Neil stepped out.

“Should’ve known you’d be out here,” he said, walking to stand next to her.

“Should I leave?” she asked, “Don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.”

“If they can’t handle us standing next to each other, that’s their problem.” He sighed. “Thank you for today, Princess Claire.”

“Ugh,” she groaned, “Don’t you dare.”

Grinning, he said, “I don’t know, she might be onto something. You are beautiful like a princess.”

She shook her head, “You know you’re getting lucky tonight, you don’t need to flatter me.”

“It’s true,” he said softly. He leaned against the railing. “I’ve missed working beside you. You were with her for fifteen minutes, and you changed her whole outlook on her surgery.”

“I just answered her questions, Neil.”

“Don’t do that,” he said, “You know you’re good with your patients. That’s not a skill that can be taught. I just with others would remember that instead of focusing on the fact that we’re together.”

“Hopefully someone else will do something even more scandalous, and they will forget all about us.”

“We can hope,” he turned to face her. “What do you want do tonight?”

“Do you want to try that new Mexican place?”

“Sounds good,” he said, looking at her with a small smile.

“What?”

“Just curious, if you’re a princess, does that make me your prince?”

She reached out and smacked his arm as he started laughing. “You’re ridiculous.”

“That’s not a no,” he said grinning. “I need about ten minutes and I’ll be ready to go.”

“Okay,” she said, “I’ll wait here for you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

She looked back over the city as Neil headed back to his office. He might not be able to see it yet, but she felt the fact that they let her help him today was a step in the right direction. Maybe things would begin to get better at work, and she wouldn’t have to deal with so many people questioning her. She knew it would continue to take some time, but he was worth it.


	5. Chapter 5

Over the next few weeks, Claire continued to push herself even more at work, trying to prove to those who doubted her that she didn’t need Neil to be the best surgeon. It was a slow process getting the others to believe in her again, but she felt like it was on the right track overall. He was frustrated that she needed to take those steps and told her she was already amazing and didn’t need to work so hard. She knew he worried about her exhausting herself. However, as she told him, it was worth it because she got to spend her nights with him.

Things were still awkward at work and she was relieved on the days that she was able to work with Dr. Andrews instead of Dr. Lim. She wondered if maybe she was jealous of Claire’s relationship with Neil, but she had heard from one of the nurses that Dr. Lim was seeing someone. It was hard working with the group and being unable to work with Neil. Sometimes, they would bring their cases home with them to brainstorm with each other. They had always worked well together and pushed each other to be better. Unfortunately, they couldn’t give each other credit if the idea they brought to the table came from the other. 

It was all worth it though, because now they didn’t have to worry about others finding out and thinking they were keeping it a secret. While they still enjoyed spending time at home, they were able now to go out together to dinner, to the movies, or whatever else they wanted to do without worrying. Going for runs now were easier because they didn’t have to be mindful of how they interacted with each other in case someone saw them together. She still had to be careful because Neil loved to trick her on runs, especially if she was winning. The happiness she felt when she was with him, overrode the continuing difficulties at work.

Tonight, was a rare night that they weren’t together. It was Kayla’s birthday and Dash had invited her out to catch up and honor her memory. She had invited Neil to come with them, but he had declined, telling her that he understood that this was something special for her and Dash to celebrate together. He told her to come over to his place afterwards. She knew he wanted to be available to comfort her if she needed it.

Sitting at the bar with Dash, she was filled with grief for her best friend. While her and Dash had continued to stay in touch after he had given her Kayla’s letters, it wasn’t the same as it had been before Kayla’s death. Her absence felt like a giant hole they would never be able to fill. Claire’s gaze kept drifting to the empty chair next to Dash where Kayla should be sitting.

“Did Kayla write you a letter for her birthday?” Dash asked breaking the silence.

“No,” she answered, “She wrote me one for mine.”

“I love her for doing this for us,” he said, picking up his drink. “But some days I can’t tell if it’s helping or hurting.”

“I know,” Claire agreed, “I’ve reread that first one so many times, I have it memorized.”

He sighed, “One day I would just like to wake up and have it not hurt so much.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I can’t imagine what it’s like for you.”

She missed Kayla every day, but she couldn’t fathom how it felt for him. Just the thought of waking up without Neil beside her, and the thought of anything happening to him terrified her.

“I almost asked someone out the other day,” he said shaking his head. “We started talking at the grocery store, and I thought about Kayla and how mad she’d be if she thought I was wasting away in my grief.”

“What happened?”

“She saw my wedding ring,” he said, his hand coming up to twist it. “I’ve tried to take it off Claire, but I just,” he sighed, “I can’t do it. I always end up putting it back on.”

“Have you thought about talking to someone?” she asked softly, thinking about how her therapist had helped her deal with her grief.

“Yeah,” he said, “I started going to this support group,” he rolled his eyes. “I can hear Kayla now.”

“She’d be proud of you. She would want you to be happy.”

“I know,” he took another drink. “What about you? How’s your happiness going?”

She felt guilty talking about her life with Neil, when he was still grieving his wife. “It’s good.”

“It’s good?” he repeated. “That’s all I get?”

“What do you want me to tell you?”

“For starters, how about, that I was right that there was something there with you and Dr. Melendez.”

“Fine,” she said, “You were right.”

“Good. Have things at work improved?”

“A little bit,” she answered, “Still rumors and gossip going around, but I try to ignore it. People should get tired of it soon.”

“I hope they do.” He reached for his drink. “Are you happy?”

“Absolutely.”

“Kayla would be proud of you too. I’m glad you’re not running away from him.”

“Thanks,” she said, a nervousness settling in her stomach.

They continued catching up with each other before moving onto sharing memories about Kayla. After they finished eating, they ordered some stronger drinks to help celebrate her birthday. At the end they hugged and promised to see each other again soon. Feeling tipsy, she got an uber to Neil’s place. 

Letting herself in, she dropped everything by the door before going to find him on the sofa in the living room. She stumbled slightly as she came to sit beside him.

“You okay?” he asked.

“We did shots,” she answered, moving to snuggle against him. She was suddenly exhausted from the combination of the emotions of the day and the alcohol. 

“I can tell,” he said, his amusement clear in his voice. “How’s Dash?”

“Still heartbroken.”

He brought his arm around her to bring her closer to him, “I can’t imagine that would change anytime soon.”

“No,” she agreed. “He said he joined a support group.”

“I hope that helps.”

“Me too.” She rested her head against him, drawing comfort from being in his arms. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he said kissing the top of her head.

Her eyes started to drift closed. She thought of everything they had been through together to get to this point, and she was so glad that she had gotten that push from Kayla with her first letter.

“Kayla was the first person I realized that I could depend on,” she said softly. “I wasn’t used to having that. For a while, I expected her to be like everyone else in my life. I thought about my mom always told me and I kept trying to figure out why she wanted to be my friend. But she was stubborn and eventually won me over.”

“How’d she do that?” he asked, gently rubbing his hand against her back.

“There wasn’t one thing,” she started, “She just was always there when I needed someone. She held my hair back after I got sick drinking too much, listened to me complain about my classes. It was just a bunch of little things that I never had before. I was very lucky.”

“I think she was lucky to have you too.”

“I wish you two could have gotten to know each other,” she said, thinking about how Neil was always there to support her.

“Me too.”

She thought about what things would be like if Kayla could see her with Neil. She felt another wave of sadness over what she had missed out on. Giving into her exhaustion, she closed her eyes as she focused on the comfort of his arms.


	6. Chapter 6

Claire was frustrated with herself. Her and Neil had been together for almost five months now, and things between them continued to be wonderful and things had calmed down at work. Yet, as she told Dr. Malkin she found herself pulling away from him after he had asked her to move in with him. She worried that she was too happy, that things were going too well, and that if they all fell apart, she would be left devastated. And the worst part, was he knew her well enough to pick up on her distance.

She found herself wondering if she should reach out to Dash, thinking that maybe he could give her the advice she would have been able to get from Kayla. She had spoken to him a few weeks ago and he was starting to date someone from his support group. Not wanting to drag him into her irrational fears, she went to the shoebox in her room, remembering how well Kayla knew her and hoping for something that could help her. Flipping through the envelopes, she found one that read, “ _When you want to run away_.” She opened it and read through it quickly, hoping it would guide her in how to fix this with Neil and move past her own fears.

She heard him come in and took a shaky breath as she dropped the letter on the bed.

“Claire,” he called.

“I’m in here,” she answered.

“Hey,” he said, coming into her room, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she answered quickly. She could see in his eyes that he didn’t believe her.

He sighed, shaking his head. She waited for him to call her out, to push to see what was bothering her, waited for him to realize that she wasn’t worth it. That he deserved so much more than her. His eyes dropped to the envelope sitting on her bed. He picked it up and read what Kayla had written on the outside.

“Is that what you want?” he asked softly, “To run away?”

“Neil, no. That’s not what…” she started.

“It’s okay,” he interrupted, dropping the envelope. “I’m going to go.” He turned to walk away but hesitated. Turning around, he said, “I love you, Claire, but if you’re doubting this, doubting us, then you need to tell me and stop pretending everything is fine.”

Standing in the bedroom, she watched as he left. The tears started as she heard the door shut. She sank down on the bed. She knew that she had hurt and hated herself for it. She knew it was her fault and she wasn’t being fair to him. She knew that she needed to talk to him about her fears, but part of her worried. As she glanced at the letter, she knew she was doing exactly as Kayla had always warned her.

She stood up and wiped the tears from her eyes. She wasn’t going to destroy her relationship with Neil. She was going to go talk to him, and then it would be up to him if he could forgive her. She picked up the letter to bring with her, thinking that if he read it, he would better understand her thoughts.

Making a quick stop on the way, she went to his house. Her heart was pounding, and her hands were shaking, but she knew this was what she had to do. He was too important to her to do anything else.

Even though she had a key, she knocked on the door. She wanted to give him the chance to tell her to leave if that was what he wanted. She bit her lip nervously as she waited for him to come to the door.

His surprise was evident as he opened the door, “Claire, why are you…”

“I didn’t want to leave things like that,” she said.

“I was going to ask why you knocked.”

She could see the pain in his expression and hated that she had been the one to do that to him.

“I didn’t want to just come in, in case you didn’t want me here.”

He moved aside to let her in, “You should know by now that I always want you here,” he said sadly.

She stepped inside and handed him the flowers she had picked up on the way to his house.

Despite the hurt in his eyes, he smiled as he took them from her, “Flowers? You hate flowers.”

She shrugged. “I think they’re the standard for when you want to apologize.”

She could tell that there was a lot that he wanted to say to her, but instead he motioned for her to follow him into the kitchen. She watched as he pulled out a vase to place the flowers in. Any other day she would be teasing him about the fact that he owned one in the first place.

They stood facing each other, and she knew she needed to explain herself.

“I don’t doubt this, I don’t doubt us. I want to be with you Neil, but I’m scared.”

“Of what?” he asked, stepping towards her.

She pulled out Kayla’s letter and handed it to him. “I think reading this might help.”

“Are you sure?” he asked. 

“Yes.”

With one last lingering glance at her, he pulled the letter out and began to read. Claire thought about what it had said.

_I know you, Claire. If you’ve opened this letter, you’re happy, which scares you. Running away isn’t going to make you feel better, it will hurt you both. I know you’ve been hurt before, I know how it always seems that once you’re happy, the world falls apart around you, but trust that this time it won’t, and if it does, then the person whose made you happy will be there to help you pick up the pieces. I must admit, I’m hoping it’s that sexy doctor._

Placing the letter on the counter he moved to take her hand. “Who’s this sexy doctor she’s talking about?”

Rolling her eyes, she asked, “That’s what you take from that letter?”

He laughed softly, some of the hurt she saw earlier gone from his eyes. “It’s that what’s been going on lately? You’re worried that this is going to fall apart?

She nodded, “I’m sorry.”

“Claire, are you happy?”

“Yes,” she answered without any hesitation.

“Then what are you afraid of?”

She dropped his hand and started pacing back and forth. “I don’t know. Everything has been so good lately.”

“And that’s a bad thing?” he asked.

“Maybe.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I feel like every time, I’ve been happy before it all comes crashing down, and I don’t want that to happen with you.”

She watched the different emotions play across his face as he tried to find the words to counter her fears.

‘We’ve been together five months now,” he said, “Have you been happy the whole time?”

“Of course.”

“Then what brought this out now?” he asked. “What changed?”

She thought for a moment, “You mentioned moving in together.”

“Okay.” He reached out and took her hand stopping her from moving. “I need a little than that. What are you thinking?”

She took a shaky breath before asking, “What if we move in together and you decide that you don’t to be with me anymore?”

“Why would I think that?” he wiped at the tear she hadn’t realized was falling. “Claire, we’re together all the time. I can’t remember the last time we haven’t gone to bed together. I’m not going to suddenly decide that I don’t want to be with you. I love you. That’s not going to change.” He caressed her face drawing her eyes to his, “If you’re not ready to move in together that’s fine, but I need you to tell me that instead of pulling away from me, from us.”

“I’m scared,” she admitted. “Kayla always told me that I would run away from happiness,” she gestured to the letter, “As you saw. I don’t want to do that with you. I don’t want to hurt you, but I did. I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t handle that well either. I shouldn’t have left,” he sighed. “I think I was doing the same thing you were. I felt you distancing yourself, and instead of just asking you what was wrong, I let you pull away.” He ran his hand tiredly over his eyes. “Maybe I was trying to protect myself from another heartbreak.”

“Neil, I’m sorry,” she came up to him and wrapped her arms around him. His arms immediately came around her hugging her tight. “I love you, and I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“I love you too,” he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “But I need you to do something for me.”

“What?”

“When you feel like this, when you’re scared or worried, I need you to tell me. I need you to talk to me.”

“I can do that,” she agreed. “Being with you does make me incredibly happy.”

“Good, because you’re stuck with me.”

“I’m glad.”

She felt the rumble of laughter in his chest. “I can’t believe you bought me flowers.”

She smiled, “I didn’t know how else to show you I was serious about being sorry.”

“I’m not complaining. I like them.”

“Well, don’t expect it again.”

“I won’t,” he said, his arms tightening around her.

They stood together in the kitchen holding each other. She felt settled after the discussion with him and wished that she had just talked to him earlier. It would have saved them both some heartache. Moving forward, she knew she wouldn’t need to worry about running away from happiness again.


	7. Chapter 7

After Claire’s fears almost ruined everything, they easily got back on track. They had spent the rest of that night talking through her fears and his as well. It had helped them to realize how much they wanted their future to be together. She had also spent more time talking through her fears with her therapist to help deal with some of the issues that she still was working through. A lifetime of hurt didn’t just disappear because she had Neil’s love. However, with him by her side she knew she would be able to work through it.

The hospital had been busy the past few days, and she was looking forward to having a restful day at home with him since they both had a rare day off together. They had decided that for now they would continue going between both their places and would revisit the idea of her moving in with him. To get used to the idea, she usually suggested that they stay at his.

As she slowly woke up, she reached out her hand for him. They usually slept wrapped up in each other and she missed the comfort and warmth of having his arms around her. She frowned when she realized he wasn’t beside her. So much for her plan to spend the day in bed with him. She laid there for a few minutes trying to decide if she wanted to try to fall back asleep without him or go find him. Deciding that it wasn’t worth staying in bed without him, she climbed out of bed. Shivering, she reached for his Sanford sweatshirt and pulled it on before heading to find him.

She heard movement in the kitchen and headed that way. She stood in the doorway watching him as he cooked. She admired the view of him in his pajama pants and t-shirt. She never got tired of the fact that she was lucky enough to see this side of him.

“What are you doing?” she asked, smiling when he jumped.

“What are you doing up?”

“You weren’t there,” she answered honestly.

He smiled, “I’m making you breakfast.”

“Why?”

“For your birthday.”

She made a face, “You don’t have to do that,” she said. She had forgotten all about it being her birthday, it was never something that she willingly celebrated.

“I want to,” he sat down the spatula and walked towards her. She thought it should be illegal for him to look so good first thing in the morning. “I know you’re not a fan of celebrating your birthday, but I wanted to celebrate you.” He looped his arms around her waist as he leaned down to capture her lips with his. “Happy birthday.”

“Thank you,” she said, wrapping her arms around his neck. “This really isn’t necessary.”

“Kissing you?” he asked, teasing her, “You’ve never complained about that before.”

Rolling her eyes, “Making me breakfast.”

“I make you breakfast almost every morning,” he pointed out.

“Not when I’m still in bed,” she said. She groaned, “You weren’t trying to do breakfast in bed were you?”

He laughed at her dislike of the idea. “Maybe, but since you’re up you’ll never know.”

He let go of her to move back to the stove to finish making breakfast. She moved to follow him and wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head against his back.

“Were you involved in us both having the day off today?”

“Maybe.”

“Neil, things have finally settled down there, you can’t change our schedules.”

“Don’t worry, I didn’t do anything that would have HR breathing down our necks. Marcus owed me a favor and we switched days.”

“Okay. Thank you. I’m looking forward to spending the day with you.”

“Good because we’re going to be celebrating you all day.”

“There better not be anything too crazy like a surprise party.”

“Don’t worry,” he said, his amusement clear. “I don’t have a death wish.” He rested his hands against hers. “Go sit down so we can eat.”

She pressed a kiss against his back before sitting at the counter. He placed a plate of pancakes and eggs in front of her, before sitting next to her.

“Thank you,” she said. “It looks delicious.”

“Just curious,” he asked, “If my plan had been breakfast in bed, what would you have done?”

She thought about it for a moment as she took a bite of pancakes. “It would’ve been a strike against you,” she said. “You know better.”

Laughing, he said, “One day I’m going to get you to admit that you don’t mind all this romance.”

She looked at him smiling, “I can admit that I don’t mind it quite as much when you do it, but don’t let that go to your head. I still think romantics are ridiculous.”

“Don’t worry, you’ve been very vocal of your dislike of romance.”

“Yet you still keep trying,” she said, gesturing at him with her fork.

“It’s not my fault that I want to do something special for you once in a while.”

“Which is why I don’t fight you all the time,” she said, one of things she was working on was getting better at accepting his romantic side.

“And I appreciate it.”

Grinning at each other, they finished eating breakfast together. Despite giving him a hard time, she did appreciate him wanting to do something for her birthday. Growing up it had always just been another day, and as an adult she rarely felt the need to celebrate it.

“Thank you,” she said softly. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Happy birthday.”

“Why do I get the feeling that this isn’t the only thing you have planned?”

“Because it’s not.”

“Neil, what is it?”

“A surprise,” he said, before she could argue, he continued, “I know you’re not a fan of surprises, but I know you’ll like this one.”

“If it’s a party, I’m sleeping at my place tonight.”

“I already told you there’s no party. Although the fact that you keep mentioning it makes me think I should I keep it in mind for next year.”

“Please don’t.”

They stood and cleaned up after their breakfast.

“Are you at least going to give me a clue, so I know what to wear?”

His eyes crinkled as he smiled, “I know you’re just trying to get a clue where we are going, but that purple dress you wore when we went out to dinner a few weeks ago would be nice.”

“The dress where you couldn’t keep your hands to yourself?”

“Yes, that one.”

She smiled, “You realize that does give me a clue.”

“And what’s that?”

“Your plan is somewhere we will have some privacy.”

“Maybe,” he said. “Go get ready.”

The two of them quickly got dressed. She was looking forward to spending the day with him. After they got dressed, she found him sitting on the bed holding one of Kayla’s letters.

His eyes traveled her body, “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” she said, coming over to sit beside him.

“Did you want to read this now or when we get back?”

She always thought that she wouldn’t be able to love Neil more, but his support with the letters Kayla had written and understanding what she needed, made her fall even harder. She rested her head against his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her.

“I think I’d like to wait. They’re rough to read sometimes and I really want to enjoy our visit to the winery,” she said, taking a guess about where they were going. They had talked about going there a few times, so she wondered if that was his plan.

He moved away to look at her, “How did you figure it out?”

“Lucky guess, but you just confirmed it.”

“One day I will surprise you.”

She turned to kiss him. “It doesn’t have to be a surprise, I’m just happy to spend the day with you.”

“Good, you have me all day.”

She pushed against his chest to cause him to fall against the bed. She grinned as she moved to straddle him.

“Do we have to leave right now?”

His hands came against her waist, “It’s your birthday, we can leave whenever you want.”

“Great,” she said as she leaned down to kiss him.

As his hands slid under her dress, she thought if this was how they celebrated she might not mind her birthday so much anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

It was hard to believe that after all the hard work and sacrifices, Claire had finally finished her residency. They had a celebration at the hospital, and it felt good to have Neil beside her. While it had taken longer that she would have liked, the other doctors and residents had adjusted to their relationship. It had stopped being an issue once everyone realized that she hadn’t used him to further her career. She was lucky that they offered her an attending position as a trauma surgeon. She would occasionally get to work with Neil, but would be working more often with Dr. Lim. They had worked through their issues with her relationship with Neil. Dr. Lim admitted that she knew Claire was talented and had worried that she was throwing it away.

Before coming to the party, she had read Kayla’s letter congratulating her on finishing her residency. She told her how proud she was and had written out what she had wanted to do with Claire to celebrate all her hard work. While she would have hated the elaborate celebration in Las Vegas, she still missed having her friend beside her at this milestone. When she had shared the letter with Neil, he had been more than willing to make Kayla’s dream a reality. She convinced him to compromise and when they had a weekend off together, they would go away for a few days.

She stood listening to Shaun, Alex and Morgan talk about their plans. Shan would be staying in neurology, Alex was returning home to be with Mia and Kellan, and Morgan had accepted a position in LA. It was strange to think about how after working together for so long, they would be separated. She had gotten used to having them as her support system.

Feeling Neil’s eyes on her, she looked up and found him watching her as he talked with Dr. Andrews and Dr. Glassman. She enjoyed seeing him dressed in his suit and tie, although she was looking forward to getting him out of it once they got home. As she watched him, she thought about their conversation a few months ago.

_Claire found herself in the bathroom with a pregnancy test. She stared at the unopened box trying to convince herself to take the test. She had only moved in with Neil a few weeks ago, finally getting rid of the apartment that she had rarely spent time in. She had worried about the change, but instead of worrying alone, she shared her fears with Neil. As always, he was supportive and helped her move past it._

_She had been feeling off the past few days and realized that her period was a few days late. Part of her wanted to wait and take the test with Neil, but she also didn’t want to disappoint him if she wasn’t. She had known since her first year of residency that he wanted a family. She did too, but she wasn’t sure if it was something she wanted right then. They had just moved in together, her residency would be over in a few months, and she had to wait and see if they would choose to keep her on staff. There was too much uncertainty at the moment, and it left her feeling unsettled._

_She thought about how she would’ve turned to Kayla to sit with her as she waited. She wished that she had written her a letter for something like this, but how would she have ever known that it would be needed. She sighed, as she finally convinced herself that she needed to just get the test over with. Worrying about the outcome wasn’t going to change anything. After skimming through the directions, she followed them and placed the test on the counter and waited._

_Time seemed to stand still as she waited to see what the test would say, and she once again thought she should’ve waited until Neil got home. She needed him by her side to tell her that it would be okay. She had no doubts that he would be an amazing father. She worried more about how she would be as a mother. She didn’t have the best role model, and worried about not being good enough. Things had finally settled down at work, and she was occasionally allowed to work beside Neil, and a pregnancy could throw that progress away._

_Finally, it was time to check the test. She took a deep breath and saw the words “not pregnant.” An unexpected feeling settled in her chest._

_“Claire,” Neil called, startling her._

_“I’m in here,” she called._

_She thought briefly of throwing away the test so he wouldn’t see it, but she also didn’t want to lie to him. She wasn’t pregnant but he deserved to know that she had suspected._

_He came to the door, “Are you okay?” he asked._

_She sighed, “I took a pregnancy test.”_

_A flash of hope and excitement filled his eyes before he could mask his feelings. She felt guilty now and wondered if it had been a mistake to tell him. Yet, she knew that she couldn’t have kept it from him._

_“I’m not,” she said softly._

_He closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around her. She tightened her arms around him taking comfort in his embrace. After a few minutes, he took her hand and led her out into the bedroom. They sat down on the edge of the bed, as he took her hands in his._

_“How do you feel about it?” he asked._

_“I thought I was going to be relieved.”_

_“But you’re not?”_

_“I feel like so much has changed recently, and will be changing again soon, with work and with us moving in together, and I thought it’s not the best time.” She glanced down at their hands as he gently caressed the back of her hand. “But when I looked at the test and saw I wasn’t pregnant, I was disappointed. I wasn’t expecting that feeling.”_

_He moved closer and wrapped his arm around her. She settled against him and rested her head against his shoulder._

_“I want a family with you, Neil.”_

_“I want that too.”_

_“I wasn’t going to tell you,” she admitted softly. “I didn’t want you to be disappointed.”_

_“I’m glad you told me.”_

_“Me too.”_

_“You’re right that with your residency ending there will be a lot more changes, and maybe right now wouldn’t be the best time for a baby.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “But I will be happy whenever it happens.” He started to play with her hair. “Is this something you want us to work on now or wait?”_

_She thought about it before answering honestly, “I think I want to wait until residency is over.”_

_“Okay,” he agreed. “How many kids were you thinking?”_

_She wrapped her arms around him, “Maybe two. I always wished I had a sibling, and I know how much you love Gabi.”_

_“That sounds good to me. I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

_She rested against him allowing herself to think about what their future together would look like._

Now that her residency was officially over, she wondered if he was going to want to revisit that conversation and start working on building their family. She was excited about it, but also nervous. She knew he had faith in her, but she still worried about her ability to be a good mother.

She felt her phone vibrate from her purse and excused herself to check it. She was surprised to see a message from Neil asking her to meet him on the balcony. She looked up to where he had been standing before and he was gone. Telling the others, she would be back soon, she headed up to meet him.

She stood at the door for a moment, watching him. She thought of all the times they had spent together staring out over the city, even before they had officially gotten together. She admired the way he looked leaning against the railing, the breeze blowing his hair. She would never get tired of looking at him.

She pulled open the door and stepped outside. “You summoned me,” she said with a smile.

He turned to face her, and she was struck by the way his grin lit up his face. “I am so proud of you,” he said, holding out his hand for her.

She stepped towards him and took his hand. He pulled her towards him, and he leaned down to kiss her. She wrapped her arms around his waist.

“We’re still at work,” she said, as she kissed him again.

“Everyone is busy downstairs,” he said. “They won’t miss us.”

She moved to stand beside him looking out and shivered as the breeze picked up. He immediately removed his jacked and placed it around her shoulders.

“Thanks,” she said, slipping her arms into the sleeves. She went to put her hand inside the pocket and found a box inside. “Neil, what did you do?”

“What makes you think I did something?” He tried to look innocent, but she knew him well enough that she could see the buzz of excitement in his eyes and body. “Open it.”

Shaking her head, she reached inside and pulled out a small box. “I thought I told you no gifts.”

He tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear, his fingers lingering against her face, causing her to shiver again. He took the box from her and flipped it open, showing her a simple diamond ring.

“Neil,” she said, her eyes going from the ring to his face. She realized right away what he intended to do, and she didn’t hate it as much as she thought she would.

“Do you want the whole speech,” he asked softly, “Or just the question?”

“The question is good,” she said, hoping she didn’t disappoint him.

“Okay,” he said, smiling. “I’ll save the speech for another time.” He took her hand in his. “Dr. Claire Browne, will you marry me?”

Even without the speech, she felt her eyes fill with tears as she nodded, not trusting herself to say anything.

“Is that a yes?” he asked, his voice betraying his emotions.

“Yes,” she whispered.

He took the ring from the box and took her hand to slip it onto her finger. She moved to wrap her arms around his neck as he leaned forward to kiss her. He pressed her to him to deepen the kiss.

“Should we go home to celebrate?” she asked.

“Soon,” he answered. “We should stay a little longer at the party.”

She took his hand in hers and pulled him towards the door, “Let’s go then, the quicker we get back down there, the quicker we can leave.”

Laughing he followed her. She thought back to how before another change would have felt overwhelming, but with him this felt like their next step together. She couldn’t wait until it was time to go home and start getting ready for the future they both wanted.


	9. Chapter 9

Claire sat on the sofa with her daughter in her arms. She was more exhausted that she thought she had ever been, but it was worth it. Natalia had been born four days ago and had captured their hearts. She had woken up to her daughter’s cries and had brought her into the living room to feed her without waking Neil. At least one of them deserved to have some uninterrupted sleep.

As she looked down at her laying in her arms, fighting sleep, she thought about how long it had taken them to get to this point. They had gotten married in a small ceremony two months after her residency had ended. But, despite trying since before the wedding, four months later, she still wasn’t pregnant.

_She stared at another negative pregnancy test and fought back the tears. The frustration and worry of not being able to give Neil what they both wanted was overwhelming. She stepped out of the bathroom and found him waiting by the door. Shaking her head, she stepped into his arms. She knew he was as disappointed as she was, yet as always, he tried to hide it and focused his concern on her._

_“I’m sorry,” she said softy._

_He tightened his arms around her and rested his head against hers, “Don’t apologize.”_

_She gave into the comfort of embrace and focused on that for a few moments as she got her emotions back under control. She took a step away so she could look at him._

_“I know how badly you want a family.”_

_He reached up and wiped away a stray tear, “I have a family, I have you.”_

_“You know what I meant, a baby.”_

_He sighed, his fingers lingering against her face, “Are you doing this just for me?”_

_“No,” she said, reaching up to place her hand against his, “I want this too.”_

_“Good,” he said, taking her hand and bringing her to sit down on the bed._

_She looked down at their intertwined hands. She was afraid to voice all her fears to him but knew she couldn’t keep them to herself any longer._

_“What if it doesn’t happen?” she asked softly._

_“Then we figure that out together,” he answered. “You’ve been putting too much pressure on yourself.”_

_“I just thought it would’ve happened by now.”_

_“It will.”_

_“You don’t know that.”_

_He turned to face her, his eyes filled with love. “Maybe we need a new plan, and we should stop trying.”_

_“How’s that going to help?”_

_“Take some of the pressure off. Get back to just enjoying each other.”_

_“I always enjoy you,” she said smiling._

_“Of course, you do,” he said returning her grin. “It will all work out Claire.”_

They had followed his advice and stopped focusing on getting pregnant, and instead focused on each other. She hadn’t realized how much stress she had been putting on herself until she had been able to take a breath and relax. He had been right, and three months after that discussion she found out that she was pregnant.

_She had been feeling nauseous and fatigued and at first thought she was getting sick. When she wasn’t feeling better after a few days, she had let herself hope that maybe this time she was pregnant. Neil had been called in for an emergency, so she took the test without him. Even though he was always supportive, she wasn’t sure she could take the flash of disappointment in his eyes that he tried to hide from her. When she took the test and found out she was pregnant, she was tempted to go to the hospital to tell him right away. Instead, she decided that she’d take a page out of his book and do something he wouldn’t expect._

_She got home from the store before he got back and placed the gift bag on the coffee table for when he got home. She was incredibly excited and couldn’t wait to tell him. She tried to sit still and was relieved when she finally heard him at the door. She jumped up from the sofa and called him into the living room. She could see that he was exhausted from the emergency surgery. Usually, she would ask him about what happened, but she needed to tell him her news._

_Something in her face must have given her away because he asked, “Are you okay?”_

_She nodded. “I have something for you.”_

_“What’s going on?” he asked walking towards her._

_She picked up the gift bag and went to hand it to him, but he looked at it suspiciously._

_“Why are you giving me a gift?”_

_“Neil,” she practically whined, “Just open it.”_

_He took it from her but didn’t open it. “Are you feeling okay?”_

_“Yes, why?”_

_“I don’t think you’ve ever given a gift for no reason,” he took another step towards her, “Have I finally brought you over to the romantic side?” he asked grinning._

_“If you don’t open it now, I’m going to do it for you,” she said impatiently._

_He laughed as he pulled the tissue paper out moving as slowly as he could, clearly enjoying teasing her. He kept his eyes on her the whole time._

_“Will you hurry up?” she asked reaching for the bag._

_He pulled it away from her, as he reached inside pulling out a onesie. His eyes went from the onesie to her, and she saw the tears in his eyes._

_“Read it,” she said softly, thinking about the cursive letters on the onesie that read, “Relax, my parents are doctors.”_

_He stared at it in his hands before looking back at her, “Claire…”_

_“I’m pregnant.”_

_He closed the distance between them and wrapped her in his arms._

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

He acted just as she expected he would throughout her pregnancy. Although, his overprotectiveness drove her crazy, she tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. However, they had eventually gotten into a fight about his behavior, and he had admitted that he hated that she was miserable, and he couldn’t do anything to help her feel better. He tried to be less annoying with his protective nature, but she had to learn to just accept it. He did get better at listening to her when she had asked him to trust that she knew her body.

Once they found out they were having a girl, Neil had asked her if she wanted to name her after Kayla. She loved that he had thought about that honor for her best friend, but in the end, she decided against it. She wanted their daughter to her own person and not feel as if she had to live up to the expectations of anyone else.

As it neared her due date, they had argued about Neil going into work. He wanted to be with her when she went into labor, while she thought they still had time. After constant phone calls and text messages to check on her while he was at the hospital, she finally agreed that he should take time off too. When her labor started in what would have been the middle of his shift, they were both glad he wasn’t at work. Not that she would have expected any different, but he stayed by her side holding her hand as her labor dragged on. Having him beside her had been a huge relief, and she leaned on him for strength as she grew exhausted. He continued with his never-ending faith in her. When they finally placed their daughter in her arms, they had both instantly fallen in love.

They had only been home with her for two days, and Natalia hadn’t yet gotten into a consistent sleeping routine. She seemed happiest if one of them held her in their arms. Both her and Neil were exhausted. They hadn’t gotten much rest at the hospital between her birth and all the visitors who wanted to see her. Despite the hard time the other doctors gave them at the beginning of their relationship, they were all happy for them and had wanted to see the newest addition to the hospital family. 

She watched Natalia now as her eyes fluttered closed. Even though Neil told her to wake him, she couldn’t when he was sleeping so soundly. She studied Natalia trying to see which one of them she looked more like. She felt Neil’s eyes on them and looked up to find him watching them, his love shining through his exhaustion.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” he asked.

“You need sleep.”

“So do you.”

He came to the sofa and sat beside her. He leaned against her, resting his head on her shoulder, while wrapping his arm around her and Natalia.

“I’ve done multiple thirty-six hours shifts over my career,” he said softly. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this exhausted.”

“I know,” she said, fighting back a yawn. “I hope she gets into a better routine soon.” She smiled softly. “It’s a good thing she’s so cute.”

“With us as her parents was there any ever doubt about that?” 

She laughed quietly as they both watched her sleep. Natalia’s mouth was open slightly as she fell into a deeper sleep.

“She looks like you when she sleeps,” Claire said, smiling.

They startled as Natalia let out a snore.

“Sounds like you though,” he said amused.

“I don’t snore.”

“I’ve slept beside you for years, you do.” He pressed a kiss against her shoulder. “I like it, lets me know your next to me.”

Rolling her eyes, she said, “I’m going to try to put her down. Think she’ll stay asleep?”

“I hope so.”

He moved off her so she could lean over and place her in the bassinet. They held their breath as Natalia scrunched up her face before setting back into sleep. They leaned back against the sofa relieved that she had stayed asleep. 

He noticed the letter from Kayla sitting on the coffee table. “Did you read it?” he whispered.

“It was a short one,” Claire answered. “Telling me to tell her all about her Aunt Kayla, that she was sorry she wasn’t here to spoil her, and” her voice trembled, “And to remember that I’m not my mom.”

“She’s right.”

She looked back down at her daughter sleeping soundly in her bassinet snoring softly. She turned to face Neil.

“I love her so much and I would do anything to keep her safe.”

“I know, so would I.”

She smiled at him, “I know. I just,” she cuts herself off as her eyes fill with tears.

“What?” he asked moving even closer to her, ready to offer her whatever comfort he could.

“Why didn’t my mom feel that way about me?” she asked her voice breaking.

She saw the heartbreak on his face as he reached for her and pulled her into his arms.

“I wish I could answer that for you.”

“I know she was sick. I know that, “ she started the familiar feelings coming to the surface. “It just hurts.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I wish I could take that away.”

“I know you do.” She rested her head against him. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

He moved to position them to lay down with each other on the sofa. She snuggled against him taking comfort in his arms. She knew she would need to continue to see her therapist to deal with some of the emotions that having Natalia had brought back to the surface. For now, being with Neil was enough.

“We should try to get some sleep while she’s sleeping,” she said.

“Sounds good,” he agreed.

Their exhaustion taking over, they quickly fell asleep in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to give a shot out to Theamazingarmadillo who has been sharing their story about a pregnancy for Claire and Neil. Your story inspired the part about the baby reveal!


	10. Chapter 10

Claire sat on the edge of their bed staring at the envelope in her hand that said, “ _Read Last.”_ She had read every other letter that Kayla had left for her, many more than once, but struggled to bring herself to read this one. It had been years since she had read a new letter, yet this one was the hardest to open. She felt as if this was her last connection to Kayla and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to break it.

She heard Neil moving around in the bathroom getting ready for bed. They had both already checked to make sure all the kids were asleep. She knew that he would support her if she chose to read the letter or not. The one thing she always knew she could depend on was him. There had been some bumps along the way, but they had a solid relationship that she was so grateful for.

After Dr. Lim had moved away a few years ago, Neil had been her replacement as Chief of Surgery. She was proud of him, but a part of her had worried that his promotion would prompt the same gossip that happened when they had first gotten together. Luckily, those at the hospital had come to accept that the two of them were together and had a family. Occasionally, new residents or visiting doctors who didn’t know about their marriage, would try to hit on one of them or ask them out. It amused her more than it did him. She knew that she was the one who got to go home with him and that he only wanted her. While he trusted her completely, he would get more frustrated, thinking that her wedding ring should be enough of a sign that she was unavailable. 

As their family grew, they worked even harder to make sure that they had a good balance between their work and home life. They both had demanding careers, but their children always came first. Claire never wanted their kids to feel as if they weren’t the most important part of their lives. It was challenging at times, and they were often left exhausted, but it was well worth it. They had created a large extended family for their children through Neil’s family, and their friends. The kids loved to spend time with their Uncle Dash, who had remarried a few years ago. 

She looked up as Neil came out of the bathroom. Even after all the years they had been together, she never grew tired of watching him. She thought it should be a crime that he could still looked so good. He grinned when he caught her watching him.

Noticing, the letter in her hand, he asked, “Are you going to read it tonight?”

“I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “I feel like if I do, it’s like I’ll have to say goodbye all over again.”

He moved to sit beside her on the bed and reached out for her hand. “The kids all know about their Aunt Kayla,” he said softly. “Reading this isn’t going to stop you from thinking about her or missing her.”

She sighed, “I know.”

“If you want,” he said, “We can have another kid and you can reread that letter again.”

She smacked him on the arm as he started laughing. “Neil we already have four, we’re not having anymore.”

“I’m just teasing,” he said.

Natalia was their oldest at eight years old. They had talked before about wanting two children but were surprised when Claire got pregnant with twins, Ava and Ella, who were five. Their youngest, Nathan had been another surprise and was a year old. She loved her family and couldn’t imagine her life without them. They were currently all asleep in their rooms after an adventurous day of playing in the backyard after dinner.

She took a deep breath and finally opened the envelope.

“Do you want some privacy to read it?” Neil asked.

“No,” she answered. “I want you by my side, just like you’ve been since I read the first one.”

She thought about that night so long ago, and how much had changed and gown since then. She was grateful for the path that her life had taken her and was glad to always have him by her side.

“I was so glad when you asked me to come over that night, I didn’t want you to be alone.”

“I’m glad you came too.” 

She pulled out the letter as well as two pictures. Somehow Kayla had taken a few pictures of Claire and Neil discussing her case. Obviously, nothing had been going on between the two of them at the time, but looking at the pictures now, she could see that there was something in the way they looked at each other. Now she understood why Kayla always mentioned the sexy doctor in her previous letters. She handed the pictures to Neil so he could see them too.

“This seems like such a long time ago,” he said, gently running his fingers against the picture. “I can’t believe we didn’t realize she was taking our picture.”

“She could be sneaky like that,” Claire said. She shook her head, “It’s a good thing she didn’t talk to Shaun.”

“Why?”

“During our first year, he accused me of flirting with you.”

“How long have we been together, and you never told me about that?”

“I wasn’t,” she said, “At least not intentionally.” She glanced down at the pictures again. “I’m glad we didn’t let work stop us from being together.”

“Me too,” he agreed. “I couldn’t imagine not having you and the kids in my life.”

“We’ve been really lucky.” She glanced down at the paper in her hands and took a deep breath. Neil gently rubbed his hand against her back. She carefully opened the letter, grateful for his support beside her.

_Dear Claire,_

_I have put off writing this letter for a long as possible. I feel like by writing this one, I am truly saying goodbye to you. I tried to write to you for everything that I would miss out on with you, but I am sure that I have missed things. I hope that when you read this that you have found the happiness and love that you deserve. I’m just sorry that I won’t be there to see it. Claire, you have the biggest heart of anyone that I have ever meet, and I am so grateful to have had you in my life. You will always be my sister. I love you._

Claire turned to Neil as he immediately pulled her into his arms. She cried against his chest as she thought about all the things that Kayla had missed out on. Not just the moments in Claire’s life, but those moments that Kayla never got to experience with Dash. After a few minutes, she pulled away from him. He reached out and gently wiped the tears from her face.

“What do you need?” he asked.

She smiled at him, “Always you.”

“You have me.”

They climbed into bed, and Claire settled herself against him, his arms coming around her to hold her close. She brought her hand up to trace over the lines of his tattoo.

“I love you.”

He placed his hand over hers, “I love you too.”

As they drifted off to sleep together, she once again thought about Kayla’s words and the love and happiness she had in her life. She was grateful to Kayla for leaving a piece of herself behind to give Claire the push she needed to start something with Neil that led to a life better than she could have ever imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and leaving such wonderful feedback! I hope you enjoyed the journey!!


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